Main | Christmas Eve: The Ending I Would Not Have Written »

12/07/2010

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Mary

Hi,

I came across your blog as i was looking for some advice online. I can definitely relate to your pain. I'm going through the process now and its beyond what i could ever imagine. I also am a successful woman with an MA and a career yet my parents refuse to see all that i am because of the man i am with. They are very old school and can't see their daughter loving a black man. That is unheard of in my family since we are immigrants and hold traditional values. I thank you for this blog, it really helps me and I know that i'm not alone. You are a wonderful woman and its their lost.

Best,
M

phil

who knows - but how could it ever be the childs fault - we are a product of our parents and our environment - the africans have a saying "a person is a person because of the people around us" and it is true - dont blame yourself, just brush it off to the fallability of people - a common occurance - ( i was disowned, blamed for a divorce, could not complete my education, was accused of being a drug addict - none of this was true. I went on to qualify in numerous subjects in night school, top of my class and to lead huge ventures and some of my own. I am proud of myself and everyday i make sure that i treat people with the respect they deserve and try to never allow the damage to be passed on. I never had a family of my own, because i never felt capable - but now that i am older, i know that i am well capable.

Bury your pain and learn to live with lifes injustices - there is no point - just make yourself a better person - no one can hold you down for long, and dont be involved with holding people down. The human spirit will truimph over all adversity

Account Deleted

Hello,

I came across this blog when i was looking for the definition of the word disown itself. i am a mother of 3, happily married, an engineer and currently doing my master degree in engineering. it's been a long time since i first hear ( i actually hear it from my mom's mouth - and been hearing it a lot ... ) that she only had sons (i'm the only girl) and all... and recently, a few days ago, i heard it from my father who i thought the one i can rely on. he was talking it out to my face and even my husband was shocked. i still feel sad at the moment but to know that i'm not alone, i thank you and this blog. let's live our live happily and never let the history (of disowning our children) repeated. thank you

Rani

I teared reading your blog. I found it when i googled "father disown daughter".it has been 9 years since my father disowned me. For marrying the man of my choice. I was mad in the beginning. Then when the anger was gone, I thought Time had healed and I reached out to my father. He replied that we had both made our decisions with our eyes open and now we had to live with the consequences. He also chided me for begging him (for his forgiveness). That was the first and last email he sent me. I told myself that there is only so long a person can be angry with his own. But after 9 years, the reality of the situation sinks in painfully. My dad has no intention of speaking with me till the end. It really hurts. My siblings speak to me but say I brought it upon myself. I feel every word you've written. I cried reading about your children. Sometimes I become really so sad. I wouldnt feel like talking to anybody. Really sink low. I move on with prayer and a very loving husband. I cry as I type this. No child should ever be disowned.

Cindi

Rani, I am so sorry to hear that you too are struggling with being disowned. It is such a long, painful journey, and you are right that no child should ever be disowned.

You say that your father says you have to “live with the consequences.” True, we all have to live with the consequences of decisions we make and actions we take. But it is a normal part of growing up to make mistakes and to learn from them. It is also true that a parent will not always agree with their child’s decisions. But once you are an adult, you are responsible and it is your decision. It is a huge disrespect for your father not to accept your choice of husband, in my opinion, equivalent to him having a temper tantrum. Unless your husband is an abuser or criminal, I would hope that if he loves you and is a good partner, that should be enough for any parent to accept your choice. I know there are some religions and cultures that say you have to marry within the race, religion, class, and so on. So don’t know if that is your father’s complaint or not.

The bigger question is if you can ever reconcile. There are many stories of reconciliation. Mine is not one of them. My father’s choice, not mine. The happy endings seem to be the ones where the parent has a life crisis that makes them realize how stupid and cruel it was to disown the child. In addition, someone encourages the parent to make peace. This happened to my aunt (who was disowned at 18 for getting pregnant). When my grandfather was dying, my other aunt pleaded / lobbied / shouted at my grandfather to reconcile. His new wife also supported this reconciliation. So they made peace shortly before he died, after 30 years of her being disowned.

With my own father, my step mother did not want me in my father’s life, so even if he wanted to reconcile before he died, my step mother would not have allowed it.

So I guess I want you to have hope, but a realistic hope. Can your brothers help in making peace? Can you enlist the help of a priest, counselor, or close friend of your father’s?

If not, then you need to work on accepting the situation, understanding your family’s dynamics, and healing from the pain. It will be a lifelong journey.

Bubbles134

Tears of joy might not make sense...but for years I have battled with the issue of accepting and dealing with being disowned by my family...and reading your words here have given me a sense of...well I dont know what the right word is to describe the feeling...our situations are different, but so much the same. Thank you for taking the time to open yourself up like this.

Mikay

My family disowned me recently. Like about 7-8 months ago. 2 years ago, my father left me a whole chunk of money for me and my little sister. It was for educational purposes, airfare, and things we needed to pay for since we were living in the philippines. He was also remitting money every month, but that money wasnt enough for both of us. We were in a budget, but I didnt really mind using the money because my little sister needed the money. I couldnt ask my father for money because everytime I ask I get yelled at or he tells me that Im spending so much buying unnessary things which were not true. He thinks i gave all of his money to other people, making up stuff like that. Stuff that were not true and it hurts me so much. He thinks that im a horrible daughter. He said that i lie too much, and that i use my little sister to get what I want. These were not true. My family has so many secrets, secrets that if my dad finds out that we know about it, he would go ballistic about it. 2 years ago, he was cheating on my mom with some girl he met online, and beats my mom on a regular basis. My mom would get punched, kicked, and pushed to the wall. Nearly beaten to death everyday. My mom said that everytime she confronts my dad about the girl he is seeng, he would beat her and verbably abuse her. Up to this day, he still does is to my mom. My mom say anything to me when they disowned me, she hates me. She prefer my little sister because she is the REAL daughter. I was adopted when I was born, thats probably why they can just disown me so easily. But yeah, im still having a hard time coming to it. Please I need advice, help me get through this....

Mr. Singh

Thank you for providing some insight for those of us that are lost this way. I have been disowned by my family for taking a woman of a different colour, religious and cultural background.

I have blamed for everything under the sun - including all the shortcoming of my sibling, as well using my parents and joining my fiancée out of spite alone.

It is comforting in a way to see that I am not the only child who has lost their parents this way. I'd like to thank you for the tremendous courage you've displayed by writing this up online. I pray that your life with your husband and children stays strong.

Ms. Mya

I can't comprehend how a mother or father could disown their child My kids are the most important people in my life. This doesn't mean I coddle them or refrain from giving them unsolicited advice (o.k., it might be considered mom nagging sometimes).

My son is now 18, and my daughter is 21. Something changed in my daughter when she was about 11. She wasn't the same person. Later, she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Her behavior put the family through hell. She would stay out for days and we would't know where she was. She would loose her temper so badly that she would pick up furniture and put it through the wall; and, beat her little brother. My husband (her step dad) and I fought hard to make sure her and her brother were o.k. We had to go to court and file a youth at risk petition so she could get the help she needed (counseling, medication, group therapy) etc.

I can't understand why anyone would give up on a child, even an adult child. If I had a spouse who pushed me to stop seeing my child, that spouse would be out the door.

I am sorry you had to go through what you had to go through. It sounds like you were dealing with toxic relatives. I have a sister-in-law who acts this way. It's not your fault. You cannot reason with the unreasonable.

Jane

The person who disowns you has a real mental problem
They can't be challenge or wronged
They will not be challenged to change thier beliefs so they want never to see you
They probably think of you but just can't forgive you for not being what they need

They just want to be left alone but I believe they do love you but they will never forgive the wring they believe you committed to them

Linda rodriguez

I have been disowned by my parents and children. They have no issues with yelling,bring up the past and their contempt for me. I was diagnosed as a borderline personality. Through physiological counseling I have tried to move forward. But my ex seems to want to keep my from our child. The pain is unbearable. I function at a very high level and the disownment has forced me to stand on my own. I pray for forgiveness and a stop to this pain. I have a lot to offer, if only given the chance.

Britney

Hi,
I am currently going through the same situation and having a rough time with it. I was never told i was disowned just that its ok if i dont come by anymore, i am taken off any Will's my parents have and not invited to any family get togethers anymore.
This is all because i am choosing to marry my boyfriend who they at one time loved! My mother is the one making all these calls about how i am no longer a part of the family and they are ok with it. but they cant give me a valid reason why he is all of the sudden such a bad person. He is a great father, has a good job. we even just resecently bought a house together. They just no longer care for him and they gave me the ultimatuim.
I am 28 years old I shouldnt be told who i can and cant date or marry.
Does anyone have advise for me or maybe just some helpful thoughts, i dont want the depression of what i am going through to destroy my future with my feience. (sorry i cant spell)

Cindi

Hi, Britney,
I’m sorry you too are going through this painful situation. Advice is difficult as so much depends on each person’s dynamics and what you hope to achieve. I find it difficult to deal with any one who issues an ultimatum when it comes to relationships, and choosing a husband. I mean, what does she want you to do – divorce and have the kids miss out on a father? Have you suggested to your mother that you try to meet with an objective mediator – whether a counselor or a priest? My father did not want to do this, so it’s unlikely but I still think it’s important to know that you did what you could to resolve. I do highly recommend the books I listed on my site. There are stories to learn from and techniques to try.
Stay strong.
Cindi

Nancy

To cindi and others, I found this blog shortly after Christmas, while googling "What to do with my estranged fathers ashes". My father was delivered to the front porch in a square fed ex box. Three of his "friends", inherited his 7 figure estate and I was bequethed his dusty remains.
Thank you all for taking the time, and the heartfelt care, to tell your stories. I check in from time to time when my kids are out. Read small doses and try to put he pieces of my complex childhood into perspective. Most entries leave me curled up in tears. After 4 decades of pretending that my father's abdonment "didn't matter", I am finally facing the facts that his sudden withdraw of love, support and attention did (and still does) matter. I can't change the past, but I hope to someday at least understand why I continue to feel alone and ashamed for something I may (or maynot) have casued as a shy, skinny, seven year-old little girl back in 1971.

Sabrina

I am 16 years old. My father disowned me when I was 13. We just got into an argument and shortly after he signed off his rights to see me. I haven't talked to him since. He was abusive when I was younger, so now I am afraid that he will come hurt me and my family. Everyone tells me he won't and to not worry about it but they don't know what it felt like to be abused by him. I don't know how to stop being afraid of him. I want to move on with my life and just forget about him but I don't know how. How can I stop being afraid of a man that has hurt me in the past, not only physically but mentally also. If anyone has advice to help me, I'd love to hear.

Kelly

Sometimes I feel so alone in the world. I was disowned by my Mother for not appoligizing to my sister and taking the blame when her husband tried to sexually assault me. My Mom is the matriarch of the family and my Dad died of Leukemia in 1991. He would have never allowed this to happen. Mom also told my siblings to have nothing to do with me and only she would contact me and visit me at my house twice a year. She met a man who was rich and they are jet setting the world and our visits stopped. Finally I just stopped the contact as it was too painful. My Mom's family did this to one of their siblings over something very petty. I think it is wrong and a very cruel thing to do. My Mom has two favorites, a younger sister and baby brother 13 years younger. When she divided her estate I was left out. She gave me boxes of dusty ornaments and junk no one wanted. Everyday I pray for her to have a good life and for God to fix my heart. It helps but I still miss having the Mom I had when my Dad was alive.

Stacey

I am so amazed and saddened at all the stories I'm reading here. I thought I was alone. I'm 45 and have been disowned by my mother. When I was in high school I had an abusive boyfriend who regularly terrorized me and hit me and once choked me until I passed out on his neighbors lawn. My parents loved this guy and I covered up for him for years. I was finally able to rid myself of him and he broke into our house and tossed my bedroom. My mother wore the birthstone ring he gave me for years afterwards. After I had been married for about 15 years and had three beautiful children, I asked her to stop wearing it because I found it disrespectful to my husband and also to me. She refused to speak to me for months and during that time she had a stroke. She told my brother I was not allowed to visit her in the hospital and he told me it would be better if I didn't go. Heartbroken, I agreed and stayed away. Some time after she came home I tried over and over to contact her and one day she finally answered the phone. I begged forgiveness so that I could keep the family together and so my children would have a grandmother. A few years passed and again she referred to my abusive boyfriend as my "protector." She told me that I didn't know what it was like to be abused. Like what I had endured wasn't bad enough in her opinion and that she felt I was making up parts of the story. I sent her a long email after that telling her that it was hurtful and hateful to treat me like that especially 30 years after the fact. Why would she need to hold onto that person? He was awful. And my current husband of almost 26 years is wonderful. She didn't reply to that email or the 8 other I sent since. We did speak once on the phone when my eldest child got engaged. My mom was the first person I called with my good news. She answered the call and said to me, I just want to say how sorry I am (I actually thought she was going to apologize to me)...but she concluded the sentence with "that we ever adopted you." We haven't spoken since and it eats at me every day. The only way she will ever speak to me is if I apologize and beg and plead with her like I did the last time. But I'm tired of apologizing to someone who is so mean. She has not acknowledged my daughter's engagement yet and really has no relationship with any of my children. She has also disowned my brother a year ago - accusing him of stealing a $5 tool from her basement that belonged to my father (who has been dead for over 20 years). She has closed herself off from her only two children, her son in law and daughter in law and a total of 4 grandchildren. I am a good person. My children are wonderful young adults. I told my mother in my last email that I will always be open to a relationship with her but that she will have to reply or call me - I told her I was not inclined to call again because she told me she was sorry she adopted me the last time I called. How does this happen. :(

Kristina

Thank you for this blog. I worked for the first 39 years of my life to make my parents proud. I put myself through college, worked on an ambulance full time, graduated from medical school with honors and became an award winning physician. We were pretty poor growing up so as soon as I became a physician, I bought my father a horse, took my mother to a spa in Mexico, bought clothes, camera, computer, etc for them. They would stay with me in the summer...I bought a huge house and even built a game room with pool table for my Dad. November of 2011, I finally told my parents I couldn't deal with their constant criticism. My mother had always been very physically and verbally abusive when I was growing up. I remember one day that my mother beat me with a heated spiked curling iron. I went to my father and asked for help, I was covered in bloody polka dots. My father just said he didn't want to be involved. I lived with a broken arm for 10 days because my parents didn't believe that I had been hurt when I fell off my horse. When I was stung multiple times in my sleep by a scorpion and developed life threatening neurotoxicity, my mother had to put on her make-up before she took me to the hospital. I was admitted to the ICU. There are so many bad stories. Despite all my successes, my parents would still say my house wasn't clean enough, I wasn't thin enough, etc. After standing up for myself, my parents disowned me. My grandmother died shortly thereafter. She had been in the hospital for three days and my parents didn't call me. (I normally called my grandmother every few days but I didn't want her to know about the problems with my parents so I hadn't called her). She died before I could get to her. My mother took the jewelry my grandmother left for me. I had a mini nervous breakdown...I would have checked myself into a psych hospital but I knew I would lose my career. I wrote an email to my parents, told them I was concerned about my own safety and I had plans for suicide. Their response....they sent me a box of things I had given them for Mother's Day and Father's Day (including the "Daddy's Little Girl" picture frame). Its been almost two years and I am still devastated. Fortunately, I met the man of my dreams and we are getting married in two months. Most of the time I am very grateful my parents disowned me...I would have never given my fiance a chance had my parents still been in my life. Income, education, race would have been an issue. I am afraid I will break down and bawl on my wedding day as my father won't be walking me down the aisle. I won't have the special Mother-Daughter moments. But, I have to remind myself that I wouldn't have those moments even if my parents were still in my life. I feel so confused most of the time: I have never done drugs, I have never been in legal trouble, I am an ER physician and have a good heart. I have my dark times, but as more months go bye, I am learning that they are really the sick ones. Can you imagine your child saying that she was suicidal and sending her a package of things to further break her heart? I always told my father I would never change my name because I was the first doctor in the family. It will be bittersweet but I am anxious to change my old name and become Dr. Perez. My new family is wonderful and they call me "mija de alma" (daughter of my soul). Thanks so much for letting me vent...For those of you out there that are going through this....its painful but your parent's behavior speaks more about their character than it ever has about yours....

Cindi

Dear Kristina,
Gosh, I am so sorry that you have both the emotional abuse and the physical, as well as being disowned. I think it's important to recognize the loss of your parents and of people who should have been nurturing in your life. At the same time, look forward, enjoy your wedding. I too walked myself down the aisle, but I felt my father's presence, the times he was a good father. I did not want anyone to take that place. You may decide to have a dear friend walk you down the aisle.
Good luck,
Cindi

Cindi

Dear Sabrina,
Thank you for leaving a comment. At 16, I know it is hard not to have a parent to protect and nurture you. That is what every child should be able to expect from a parent. I hope that you have others - your mother or aunts or siblings - that can help fill that role, but really, the relationship between a father and daughter is a very special one. Try to draw strength from within by believing in yourself. If you are in physical danger, you must get help.
God bless,
Cindi

Cindi

Dear Kelly,
I think it's so good that you pray for your mom. I do believe that forgiveness is a big part of healing. It's also good that you pray for God to heal your heart. It took me decades to whisper that kind of prayer - I only ever prayed to bring us back together. I didn't understand that maybe reconciliation just wasn't possible in this life time. My Dad, like your Mom, had his own issues that he just wasn't willing or able to face.
Cindi

Gabriella Coscia

Sometimes people isolate themselves from their family as my sister did with my parents after her behaviour. She later became ill, we got in touch and we all tried to help her over the years. Unfortunately, she would not change or listen or take advice or help, so in the end yes we had to disown her. Sadly, you have no choice sometimes.

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