« Reasons to Disown a Child | Main | Books That Have Helped Me Cope With Being Disowned »

12/21/2012

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

T R King

Thank you for sharing your stories.

Abinaya

My heart broke when i read your story. I am sorry to hear that your father passed away. My family disowned me because i chose to marry for love. I just hope to accept what has happened to me and get a closure on this. I still love my family and i hope they are happy and blessed.

MtnMama

I came across your blog during my bi-annual Googling of the parents' names to find out if anyone died. I am entering my 5th year of exile and it is becoming more clear with each passing year that I probably will not hear from my parents ever again. Thank you for bravely sharing your pain...if you ever wonder if it helps anyone else, today it helped me and I wanted you to know that. I, also, have hope. It crops up at the most unexpected times...at the post office, when the phone rings and sometimes just when a car drives by. It's a childish fantasy that is kept alive by the part of me that still can't understand what I did to deserve this.

Being disowned is such an isolating experience. It's still one of those taboo subjects that no one wants to broach. As the disowned, I'm constantly aware that people are judging me "Well, she must have done something...".

I, too, have a loving, supportive husband and wonderful, kind, loving children. Maybe that's why I still have hope. I know love is possible. I know it's not hard to chose love and I know all the wonderful things that follow when you open yourself to love. I guess, in a weird way, as much as I might think I want so desperately to understand why my parents don't love me, in reality I don't. I don't want to inhabit a world where parents throw their children away. I don't really want to understand...because if I did, that might mean I am capable of the same thing.

Again, thank you.

Cindi

Dear Mtn Mama, thank you so much for taking the time to post a comment. I am sorry that you too are going through this. It means a lot to me that my story has helped you. You are one of the reasons I feel compelled to try to share my experiences. Being disowned is isolating. It's very cruel for any parent to do.
Five years may seem like an eternity but it's not that long. Your parents may love you, as I believe my own father did, but in their own way. That kind of love is not necessarily positive or selfless and certainly not unconditional.

Something may change that your parents get to a place where they can get over whatever annoyance they have. But then they have to also get over the shame for how they have treated a daughter, and there are few people big enough to do that. So people get stuck. And so much will depend on who they surround themself with.

As you know, there was not a happy ending for me, and in part, it's because of who my father surrounded himself with. But I can also tell you that my grandfather, Pop, who had disowned his oldest daugther for getting pregnant, made peace with her when he was dying. He had to forgive himself first and it took some support from another daughter and his wife. So don't give up hope entirely, just don't kid yourself.

As for your fear that you might be capable of the same thing - I get it. I have the same fear because cycles are so hard to break. But the fact that you are trying to understand it and staring the dysfunction down says you will do what is best for your children. Good luck and God bless,
Cindi

Susan

Thanks for your blog. I hate all you've gone through. Makes me sad. It also, in a small way, brings me comfort to know I'm not the only one living with this. I often wonder what I did so wrong, but I have started to think that maybe it isn't me. Thanks again.

LW

So sad. But know I know I'm not the only one who feels "so alone and isolated". I have always felt "not part of a family" even more so after my father passed over 20 years ago. That is when my mother wreaked havoc more than ever including alienating my own daughter from me. Though I have made attempts to have adult conversations with her - she refuses to do so and there are more times than not she has told me I did not know what I was tallking about and has told me to get out. Holidays became the worst so I I stopped participating. In fact, 10 years ago I moved away so I would not be caught up in the blame and dysfunctional triangulation. Even with the distance - my mother still manages to make me feel "less than" - never asks how I am or minimally at best (I have a health condition that has no cure) but then gloats about my sister - though I have to say I am now able to cut the conversation short when she starts with that.

What is difficult - is the ability make new friends - I have become very guarded - especially after having been betrayed for decades. I am, thankfully, to enjoy the quiet & peace of living along - though lonely at times it is far better than being caught up in the drama, hurt and emotional pain. How nice it would be to have a family that is truly caring and connected - for myself I do not see that happening.

Having done considerable research I have come to realize I am the scapegoat and my sister the golden child who can do no wrong including her daughter who is a convicted felon.

terrieannec

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It feels so silly when I think to myself that I have no idea why my father disowned me. I guess I have always thought that one day my dad would just show up. After a decade, your story makes me wonder but perhaps if I can accept the fact then I can begin to heal. Some days I am ok, some days I am not, but it helps to know I am not alone.

pk2015

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to voice out the feelings that result from being disowned.

I am a north indian woman who has fallen in love with a south indian man. When I told my parents, my mother kicked me out of the home and hasn't talked to me since. She does not approve of his culture and refused to meet him. She says that I am selfish and I can't do this "one thing" for my parents and leave him. I recently went to a funeral and my mother blatantly ignored me. My partner has always been good to me and I love him so much. We plan to get married next year. While I am excited for our future, there is a part of me that feels sad and worried that I will regret my choice. I wish my mother didn't make me "choose" between them and him. I battle a lot with my guilt and it feels like a roller coaster sometimes. Do you have any advice for dissipating guilt from being disowned?

Again thanks so much for sharing.


Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment